Some of the most painful moments in life are not caused by the moment or the choice in itself but what people say and think about you. When facing a divorce or getting alienated by a group of people, it's easy for some to want to pick a side and believe the words spoken from the most convincing/theatrical party.
It's not easy to feel like you're in the middle of a field with stones being thrown straight at your noggin.
I've had my share of this for many years. I only recently had it out to the top of my highlights with being the brunt of vicious gossip and I lost my cool....badly. Publicly.
Did I grab a bat, wreck a car and shave my head?.....Not that day.... Did I return the gossip with gossip?....nope....Did I use my vocabulary in a way I regret? Ummmm....yeah. Am I going to beat myself up forever for having a true reaction of hurt....No. I can't.
We are not stepford wives or robotic beings that aren't allowed momentary lapses of judgment. As a child of the more legalistic side of Christianity, I still find myself warped with thoughts of guilt. How crazy that I've allowed people who have treated me so terribly back into my life with open and loving arms yet I choose to not allow grace for myself? It's a horrible cycle.
It's hard to be an encourager when you're not on the other side of victory. I am still stuck in the middle of battles in my life. Terrible injustices, huge life transformations and continually under the scrutiny of false perceptions and negative words.
So, I am trying my best to keep looking to God for hope.... I am in constant pursuit of guidance in how to maintain a life that isn't lived with anger and hate in my heart for all the wrong that has been done.
I remind myself of these things that have always been true in all my circumstances...
* What is in the dark will be brought into the light.
* People have a habit of repeating negative patterns. Those who have turned on you will eventually see this for themselves, so let time vindicate you.
* We will face our own consequences, as will they. Find the peace in your own actions.
* Don't just go through it, grow through it. Joel Osteen-
* If we knew better we would have done better. Maya Angelou-
* With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors, but through knowledge the righteous escape. Proverbs 11:9 NIV
I have seen miracles in my life. I have seen the hearts of people so terribly lost in darkness be totally transformed. I know what is possible.
How can people lie about people? How can people lie under oath? How can people maliciously attack you for no reason when all you have done is show love? I have NO idea except there is a loss of personal accountability to God and themselves. The rest is just a bunch of dark stuff.
I know that anger and unforgiveness eats at our own souls! So even when it's hard to forgive and let go, I remind myself of what further damage it does to me in my heart and my own life to harbor the ugliness that comes with anger. I just won't allow that to tear into me.
Then there is the supernatural. The unexplainable peace that passes all of our understanding that often times gets overlooked. It's easy to see the final outcome as the ultimate victory and simply not acknowledge the underlying strength that keeps our threading from being unstitched.
I want more than anything to be done with my court battles for my son. I know that terrible lies have been spoken and I know that my heart is wrecked when I'm not waking up to see my precious son smiling. I can't say with certainty what the years to come will look like. I can say with certainty that God is faithful to his promises. That "No one can be established through wickedness, but the righteous cannot be uprooted". Proverbs 12-
There are mornings I feel like a truck rolled over me a million times..... I have mornings where tears are inevitable and answers seem out of sight. The age old questions of why good things happen to bad people and vice versa....well.... I don't have all the answers. I know God does though. I'm learning more than ever to trust in this. I've been on the brink of bankruptcy and have been negative in my bank account more times than I've been positive.... but there would always be a last minute miracle.
Despite my human shortcomings there is grace and forgiveness that I don't understand. I must also remember that this grace is available for my enemies and I can only pray that they also have an encounter of acceptance for their actions and experience a transformation in their own lives. Wouldn't it be amazing to live in a world where more and more people are moving into the light?
I'm not religious...this is just what I know.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
She was the most unplanned surprise of my life.
She was my biggest fear.
She was the unknown.
She changed me.
She was perfect.
She held no record of my wrongs but only knew how to love.
She loved me in my search.
She grew as I grew.
She broke down my walls..... and when everyone else was gone....she was there.
She kept me accountable to do good by simply existing.
She was easy to forgive for what I didn't know.
She showed me grace when I was learning how to raise her.
She is kind to everyone around her.
She is not bitter.
She is full.
She is joy.
She dances anywhere.
She is not afraid to be who she is even if she looks crazy.
She is witty.
She is hysterical.
She has never once complained.
She has never asked me for anything.
She always said I was more than enough for her.
She believed that I could do it on my own.
She is love.
She is grace.
She is adored by her brother.
She is my greatest choice.
Jaslyn, Jazz, Jaslynton, JT, Jazzers, Jazzy BooBoo, Special Jazz.....
You are loved, adored and cherished.
Happy 14th Birthday! I love you Sweet Girl.