Friday, May 2, 2014

The broken family can break the bank

"I'm every woman.....It's only me"....

not exactly- 

I'm more like "Every Man"....

or at least the 85% that pay child support in America. After the dissolution of marriage only 15% of child support paying check writers are women.


I'm the 15%. 

Yes. I feel for the men in America. 

Years ago when my fight for custody began, I was judged for my profession. They found music to be self seeking and unstable. 

Some people spend years and years in college developing their craft so they can go out and make a difference for their future.

I guess you would say honing in and developing my vocalist skills were my Harvard days. Music was all I knew growing up. I was never asked where I wanted to go to college or what I wanted to major in, I had no idea what that meant till I was in my 20's. My questions were "how do you want God to use your talents and gifts"?

Had you told me in my teens that the court system views this choice of profession as unstable and you may be minimized to partial custody of your son with Summer and Christmas time, I would've probably studied hard. I simply had no idea.  

I return in September to fight in hopes to regain primary residential custody of my boy. I will not get into details but the court proved wrong in their decision as he has had to face a scary and unstable environment. A few years ago I knew that the touring life would hurt my chances of getting my son back, so I got off the road completely and threw in the towel when it came to dreaming of touring again. A decision I was so happy to make. I established a life as a session singer and songwriter. These things are now the most satisfying work decisions I've made in my life. 

Y'all, I want to be so bitter sometimes. My human self wants to ask God why injustice is allowed and why evil can prevail? Why honesty doesn't always win and why I'm not tucking in my boy every single night??? 

I had quite the morning. I wanted to scream! 

Why do I pay for round trip tickets to Florida every single month for a 48 hour trip to see my boy? Not to exclude airfare, rental cars, child care or a plane ticket for my daughter, parking or an uber to the airport in L.A., food, activities....etc

Why do I pay for 2 lawyers and court therapist? 


Well, marriage is a BIG deal. When you're 21 and running from a rocky past it's easy to fall into a situation that could in any way mask or divert your attention from the brokenness! 

Our decisions can and will follow us. As much as my upbringing and my unfortunate events are a major culprit in my poor choices, I STILL made them. 

WE make them. 

I was watching Joel Osteen this week and he said that we can receive signs from God when things aren't right. We don't hear the loud booming audible voice but he speaks to us in peace, confirmation, feelings and urges.  His voice is often quiet. To hear him you need to get closer.....that is how you hear a whisper. 

You see I want God to float down and give me a giant ass wink and nod and Say "Yo Nikki, I see your pain and it'll be done soon....hold tight".....YEAH!! However, I often overlook the strength and peace he has given me to endure this situation and focus on a BIG ol' sign. 

Well, Not only has he given me the ability to stand and make it through, BUT he has provided every penny to get through this. Every penny. Nothing has been charged on credit and all has been taken care of. Every flight....every cent. 

It often takes a good amount of time to turn a situation entirely around. The weight of our decisions can last for a bit. I believe in miracles and I believe in radical transformations, but the most amazing and sustaining changes are the ones you take time to walk through. Those are the changes that reconstruct an unstable house from it's foundation. Had I been handed everything I desired, I may not have been able to see the weight of a decision and have the wisdom it takes to step into my future with clarity of what it truly means to make a wise choice. 

Through all the money lost in this fight, I can say that I gained things that are far more valuable. 

I'm fine with breaking my bank because I'm not breaking. I am full. God keeps giving me these giant transfers when my soul is almost bankrupt. How about that for money analogies?? ha 

I will leave you with this...


  1. I Love You and I am so moved by your heart! I Know who you are. You wk hard and you fight! God is all over you and Loves you so so much! He will continue to map out all of this. I wish we could chat and I could hug you :) Soon......Rest and Dream

  2. Thank you for this. Trusting for both of us.